Restless
by Kalims
Summary: What was the cost for living as a proud, strong warrior? A little bit more than few cuts and bruises.


**Restless**

**Will's POV:**

Finally, and for the first time since ages, I found myself some free time and a quiet place. I needed some time alone desperately! I swear I was going to have a nervous breakdown if I didn't! My life is going insanely! I- I admit I have lost control.

Control over what? I still have my mother, I still have my friends and boyfriend, I still go to school regularly and get the same grades. No, I lost control over something bigger than all of this! My self! My being! My existence! My goal, my principles, my mind, my soul, my emotions, my beliefs. I lost control over who I am.

I never thought I could turn out like this. I was a good girl. I was kind and friendly. I was... lovable.

Not now, not anymore. But, it isn't my fault. Honest! It's just not my fault!

It's my job's fault! My job as a guardian, as the leader of the guardians! My mission was to protect the other universe from evil. How did I not notice that the methods and ways I was to use to spread peace was so cruel, twisted and tyrannical!

I can't imagine this! Every one who stood in our way was taken to be punished. Of course, the enemies of the guardians, who are evil, should be punished! But not like that! It was sick! What I was forced to do because of my duty was sick! The wicked enemies themselves wouldn't do that

The wars we had, the wars we fought in. Those was living creatures we killed. They deserve pity! Maybe even some compassion!

It was us, and mainly me, the so called good people, who fought and killed in the name of _peace_. That's why we were left to do whatever we wanted to. But I know better.

And my job consumed me. It corrupted me, took all of my innocence away. It made me do terrible things.

And the worst part of all, is that no one ever forced me to! I was just told to do my mission well. It just ruined me bit by bit. But I let it do that!

They always told me to be fearless. I am a leader, they said, I should be fearless!

As time passed by, I did become fearless. Nothing scares me now. I should be proud of myself? No! Where's the taste of life if there's nothing to be afraid of!

Their murmurs and whispers are always in my mind, sometimes haunting me in my dreams. Everyone gave me advices. Told me how could I be better, the best! I still can remember!

_Be strong! Don't let anyone destroy you, Will!_

_You're a leader, aren't you? Show them what you are made of!_

_Steel for Steel, Will. Don't be weak, do not be worthless!_

_Don't cry, Why are you crying! It's your job Will! You should be competent! Don't let you heart weaken you, Will! How it feels, kid? To be the boss, to have the whole authority between your hands! It's priceless! Embrace this sensation! Love it!_

Yeah, I did become fearless. Soon after I became merciless. And then, I turned totally heartless.

I simply don't care about lives anymore, I don't give second chances. Heck, even if one of my teammates, my best friends for so long, ever made a mistake, I'll probably cruelly rip the breath out of them without a second thought!

I probably won't even blink or twitch!

Yes, that's who I've become. Cold and emotionless. I sometimes try to convince myself that there's still some goodness in me, because I can still recognize right from wrong. I do know that it's wrong whenever I'm doing something evil. But then again, I never stop myself.

I can't sleep at night. I fall asleep for few minutes several times a day, but I never manage to really sleep! Maybe because I know I don't deserve to rest after what I've seen, done and became.

Yes, I despair at who I've become! I believe I have to come to terms with what I've made with my own hands and will.

I'm a monster now. That's why I prefer to be alone. Will I ever be the same again? Doubt it.

In my life on Earth, everyday, I just take a breath and hide behind my bravest mask.

This is just an act. I think my friends feel that something's wrong with me. They ask me but I never answer, I'll never answer and lose what's left of my humanity. It'd be too much to bear, I'd break! Even though I'm already broken.

Should I admit that I'm falling? And maybe already have hit the ground. Should I cry? Scream? Tell everyone that I'm seeing red? That I fell short?

I don't think they'll help me, I don't think they can. I'm too lost to be saved.

Is there a chance that I could be exaggerating? Well I'm not! I'm sure I'm not. I know what I've become, and it ain't good!

My job... Protect innocents. And the price was my own.

And of course I can't just quit! I think I don't even want to! I think I enjoy myself sometimes. It does feel good! Sometimes...

Oh, well! Who really cares? My powers and destiny are just a gift, right? Why hate a gift? If my destiny was to become the leader of the guardians, and the leader of the guardians should be so steady and powerful, then there's not point of fighting back. There's not even logic in fighting back!

I won't complain anymore. I'll just do my job.

After all, being the keeper of the Heart is special. So I'm going to shut up and be happy.

Happy of who I am and of what I do, because that's what I'm supposed to do. It's my job! It's my gift!

And what I lost was just a price that I had to pay...

Well, hell.

* * *

**A.N: Some of the written sentences were taken from the 2 songs, Lost Control and Regret, by Anathema. Actually these songs were what inspired me to write this story.**

**Hope you enjoyed=)**


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